OK adults, it’s time to self reflect. I talk a lot about flexible thinking and its importance because it’s a life skill. However, sometimes we ask children to be flexible without looking inward to see if we need this work as well.

Who Should Be Flexible In This Situation?

Years ago, I was working in a middle school, where I had a student on my caseload who had sensory processing differences. When I checked in with one of the teachers, she asked me to see if I could get him to write the table of contents in his science journal. (I think she asked this of me because she thought the occupational therapist was the handwriting teacher and that this was probably a handwriting issue.)

When I met with the student and asked him about this, he said that he didn’t understand the point of doing it and it felt like unnecessary busy work. He said that he knew how to find whatever was needed in his journal and didn’t even need the table of contents.

As adults there are some things that we will find stupid to have to do in the workplace and muddling through challenges like that will be necessary at times. So, doing things that don’t make sense to us is ultimately a life skill. However, this seemed like a perfect opportunity for adults to practice flexibility rather than the student. Not every situation needs to be a life lesson for children. 

First, I had to be flexible. Because I was asked to address a specific issue, I really wanted to have success so the teacher would have a good opinion of me. I wanted to be able to show the teacher that I knew what I was doing and that I could get this kid to do what she wanted him to do. Yeah, that was my ego, not necessarily what was best for the student at the time. As we discussed it, I saw his point and had to be flexible about what I considered acceptable outcomes. 

Ultimately, I chose to advocate for teacher flexibility in this situation. If it was part of his grade, then he could make the choice to do it or not do it with the understanding that it might reflect on his grade. If it wasn’t part of his grade, was it really all that important to have it? If there had been a compelling reason to have it he may have been more agreeable to doing it. 

Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Flexible Thinking

Is your rigidity driven by your ego?

We are more likely to have rigidity about how things should be done when we are new to something, so this can be extra hard for new professionals. We want to be seen as good at what we do and we have fewer tools in our toolbox, so we may be stuck on doing things a certain way and may not think to ask for help or consider other ways to do things. We may need to set aside desires to “look good” to peers, just as I had to with the student I mentioned. 

Is this actually in the best interest of the child?

Adults like to be right, but sometimes they aren’t. Some adults will see compliance from a child as being more important than anything else, even if it’s not really a big deal if the task asked of the child isn’t completed.

For example, William is a preschooler with difficulty self-regulating who does not nap. He does not need a nap. However, he is asked to lay down every day during nap time. The teacher has rules about children having toys at this time, so he’s not given anything to do and ultimately he disrupts other students in his attempt to self-regulate. It is understandable that the teacher has a concern that other children will also want a toy if William is given one, but this is a disservice to William because it’s not meeting his need at the moment. He doesn’t have the need for a nap and he could be given mental stimulation through sanctioned, quiet activities, instead he is seeking the stimulation through disruptive behaviors. It would help both William and his teachers feel less stressed if there was flexibility with the “no toys” rule.

Is there actually a good reason why something should be done a certain way?

Sometimes there is a reason why adults make requests, and we may need to explain that to children. They may not fully understand our reasoning, but we can try to explain in age-appropriate language why decisions are made as they are.

For example, many of the rules imposed by adults are meant to keep children safe. Children don’t know all of the possible dangers and adults may need to be rigid to keep them safe. 

What about children making the bed or cleaning their room? If you are insisting these be done can you explain why they are important? Or does it make sense to be flexible about the cleanliness of the bedroom as long as they are keeping shared spaces clean by picking up their toys? Sometimes this is an area where adults need to be more flexible, particularly if they have a child with executive functioning differences who may need strategies to learn to keep a clean space. 

Do You Need To Work on Flexible Thinking?

We want children to be flexible, but we also need to check to see how flexible we are and if we’re asking children to do something that we aren’t willing or able to do ourselves. While the Flexibility Files workbook is geared toward children, there are exercises that adults may find helpful as well.