“Why?” That's a Tough Question to Answer!

Have you ever had the experience of being with a child who did something they weren’t supposed to, and when you ask them why they did it you can’t get a clear answer? In fact, you often get no answer or they may say, "I don't know" or “I felt like it.” Adults aren’t usually happy with any of those responses. 

“Why” can be a very hard question to answer for children.  

Even adults can freeze up 

For adults under pressure this can also be a challenge, particularly  for some people who are neurodivergent. 

I remember a situation I had as a young adult in which I was asked that question and the only response I could muster was, “I don’t know.”

I had recently finished graduate school and I had at least a couple of months to wait before I could take the occupational therapy national board exam. At this point, I was broke and needed some kind of work, so I took a temporary job at an electric company doing clerical work. I had a really bad attitude about it because I was ready to get to work in my chosen profession and earn a decent living. (Sidenote: it ended up being a really great job with really great people that I enjoyed a lot.)

On my first day, I was driving there and there’s a transition from one freeway that had a speed limit of 65 mph to another one that was 55 mph. I was lost in my thoughts, thinking about the new job, not the speed limit, even though I drove on this path many times before.

As I was driving, I saw a police officer on the side of the highway standing with a radar detector and he pointed at me as I went past. Oops! I was speeding. I drove just a little bit further and pulled over, but it was far enough away that he had to get in his car to follow me. He was very mad and asked me why I hadn’t stopped when he pointed at me. At the time I really had no answer. I was feeling very stressed about not having money, starting a new job, and now I just got pulled over for speeding, and how much was this ticket going to cost me? I just wanted him to give me my ticket and let me leave.

He seemed very frustrated by my response, but of course, in hindsight I could easily articulate a very reasonable reason why I didn’t stop at the moment he pointed at me. First, I was going 70 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. Second, I was in the middle lane. Both of these factors made it difficult to stop quickly and pull over to the side of the road so that he could simply walk to my car. I needed time to safely change lanes and reduce my speed. No one could have safely stopped within the short distance that he seemed to expect.

Kids have even fewer resources

So, if an adult can freeze up, imagine how hard this question can be for children, who have even fewer experiences and language resources to draw upon. 

How to Help

How can we support children better when we want an answer to “Why?”

1. Make sure they understand the expectations. You may be surprised to find that some children who seem old enough to know better actually don’t. Sometimes they don’t learn it’s wrong until they do it and we correct them.
   
   

2. Check to see if they even understand what it means. They must have an understanding of cause and effect to be able to answer this question. Have they met this developmental stage?
   
   

3. Give them tools to help them communicate. Pictures can help tremendously. This is why we created The Stress Detective interview tool. If you ask a child what stresses them out it will be hard for them to think of all of the things, if they can even respond at all. Giving them pictures to communicate helps both children and adults understand what is going on. 
   
   

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