When Kids Can’t Comply: What Adults Need to Rethink

Is expecting compliance from children a bad thing? If you listen to some neurodivergent adults speak about some of the experiences they had as children in which they were expected to be compliant, you may think so. Why is this? Because we now understand that when a child can’t comply it is because they lack the skills to. We also know that forced compliance sometimes comes at the expense of a child’s mental health. When you believe that children will do well when they can, you can rethink expectations of compliance for compliance’s sake (or the “do it because I said so” philosophy from some adults). 

There are times when compliance is absolutely essential of course. For example, if a child is about to run into a busy street we need them to stop when we tell them to stop, or if there is a health and safety threat at school, such as a fire, we need them to be able to leave the building quickly. We would lose all of our teachers if they didn’t have students complying with some basic expectations that help with classroom management. 

So how do we build the skills to comply for health and safety reasons while respecting the fact that some children don’t have the skills to comply at other times?

1. Pre-teach. Create social narratives and visual supports that use language that helps children understand when it’s a health and safety issue.
2. Use nonverbal language to help children understand the level of importance. Children often understand and respond to the tone of voice even if they don’t understand the words being used. If a child is about to run into the street, a firm, serious tone can often communicate the level of importance of the situation.
3. Problem solve, discuss with the child, and/or explain why it is important. “I noticed that it helps you to have a minute to get started on something new. However, when there is a fire drill, we don’t have time to wait for you to take a minute to start. This is also a problem when we have to go to specials or to the cafeteria. What do you think could help make this easier for you in those situations? We can’t leave you by yourself, but we don’t have time to wait either.”
4. You may be surprised that the child has some ideas or that complying with directions are easier when you explain why it’s important.
5. Explain how it affects you. Your feelings are valid and sometimes it can help to communicate that when you are trying to problem solve with a child. For example, if there’s a consequence for you, like you might be late to work if the child’s delay affects your ability to leave home on time, you can communicate that. But you could also tell them how much stress it causes you. (This should not be an opportunity to make a child responsible for your emotional well-being, but can be a point you can make when problem solving with them. Putting the responsibility on them is likely to come at the cost of their mental health, which is the whole issue with compliance in the first place.)
6. Make sure that your expectations are clear. Sometimes compliance is expected when children have no clue what the expectation even is! A child who has attention issues or language delays may not even understand what they’re supposed to be doing.
7. Manage your own sensory needs. If a child’s compliance is needed to help you function, examine that. For example, if you were highly sensitive to noise, and your child is making a lot of noise, as children do, this may be an issue you need to problem solve for yourself, such as putting on headphones, rather than expecting a child to change their behavior.
8. Make sure their compliance isn’t about you and your ego. Does your child do something that makes you feel embarrassed? (For example, they make self-stimming noises at the grocery store, so you attempt to have them stop this because you don’t want the attention?) 
9. Adults should also be questioning: Is compliance really needed in the situation? I once worked with a middle school student who did not want to write a table of contents in his science composition notebook. It was an expectation that his teacher insisted on, but it made no sense to him. He said that he knew how to find the sections he needed if and when it came up. His teacher asked that I speak to him about it to try to get him to comply.

As adults we are sometimes asked to complete tasks we find stupid because our employers ask them of us. So, it is an important thing to learn to work though. However, I really struggled to see the teacher’s side in this situation, and I didn’t think this compliance was worth pressuring this kid about. Sometimes children need to feel like they have some control over their lives, and sometimes we need to let them have it. 

Finding the balance between compliance and chaos can be a challenge at times, but we can respect a child’s autonomy and support their mental health by using some of these strategies.