How to Handle "Bad Behavior" in Children

So, how would you respond if a child intentionally farts at you?

Here’s the deal. I went to see a younger elementary student for an evaluation. On the first day I was to see him he was not having a good day, so I asked nothing of him and gave him the option of just hanging out with me and playing some games so we could establish rapport. I didn’t think I’d be able to get any accurate data for my evaluation given his mood. He beat me at a game and I hoped that gave him a little morale boost before going back to class.  (It’s not hard to beat me at the game, but honestly, I probably would have let him win anyway if that was within my power to do so because that kid just needed something to make him feel good at that moment).

The second time I saw him he transitioned with me without any problem and did all the things I asked him to do, but throughout the assessment he intermittently displayed some behavior that was not typical, or particularly welcome. One of those things was farting at me–yep, intentionally turning his bum in my direction and letting out a big toot. 

The first time I ignored it and kept my focus on the tasks at hand. The second time I calmly stated, “I don’t like that.” The third time I calmly cued him to return to the activity we were doing. He did and didn’t fart at me again. In fact, every time he displayed behavior like that I responded in a similar way. Those types of behaviors faded as we spent more and more time together. 

How do you respond when a child seems to intentionally do something “bad”?

Here is what I did and what I recommend in similar situations (when there is not a threat to anyone’s health or safety):

1. I stayed calm and used a calm voice when I spoke
2. I didn’t make a big deal about what he did. I’m quite sure he knew it wasn’t okay to fart at me. 
3. I still made him responsible at times with some natural consequences. When what he did resulted in a mess I asked him to clean it up. I was calm and asked him; I didn’t tell him. I did not ask him to apologize to me for farting at me. Since he moved on, I let it go. Now, if he were a student that I had been working with for some time and knew him well I probably would have addressed it with him. But my main priority was establishing rapport and not putting on too many demands, particularly social ones like making an apology.
4. I didn’t linger on it or hold any grudges. In fact, I was still silly when I wanted to be silly and we had fun together. 

Why didn’t I make a big deal out of it? Because when a child does this, particularly with a new person, it is usually to test whether or not they are a safe person for them. Children know when they get out of control. They are learning whether you are a safe person for them: they want to know if you will be able to stay in control when they can’t.

I would not be doing what is in the best interest of this child if I pointed out all of his mistakes or focused on those each time he made a poor choice. Who wants to be around someone who does that? I suspect I would have ended up with other, bigger issues if I had. Children usually know when they do something wrong (sometimes after the fact when they tend to be impulsive). I also know that he was dealing with some challenges at home, and he really needed to be able to feel safe at school. When he needed redirection it was focused on something he wouldn’t internalize–picking something up, returning to the task, etc. I did not make statements directed at him and his behavior. 

As therapists and educators we can be on the receiving end of things we may not particularly like, but we have a lot of power to help children feel safe when they do, because that is what they are seeking. We can respond calmly and not make a big deal out of them, particularly when we are still working on building rapport.