A Hard Truth About How Professionals Talk About Parents
I recently collaborated with a teacher and teaching assistant regarding a student who receives occupational therapy at school. I shared a strategy that had been recommended by the child’s private therapist. While it wasn’t something I fully agreed with, I felt it was important to bring the idea to the team who works with this child every day and hear their perspective.
Unfortunately, the idea was shot down practically before it was even presented. While I don’t know the student as well because she is seen by an occupational therapy assistant, I also want to do the best I can for this child. The private therapist knows her better and has worked with her for a long time, so I felt it was still worth exploring.
What bothered me most, however, was not the rejection of the idea, but the attitude behind it.
The teaching assistant strongly implied that any learning or behavioral challenges were the result of what was happening at home. As a highly empathic person, this response unsettled me. There was little consideration for the child’s complex needs or the reality of her parents’ experience.
This child has significant cognitive and physical needs. Her parents are likely doing their best while juggling care for her and their other children. The lack of empathy for both the child and her family was hard to ignore.
Why Do Professionals Still Blame Parents?
This experience wasn’t unique. Many professionals working in education still hold similar beliefs. They don’t see what families experience outside of school, yet they assign blame with confidence.
More often than not, that blame lands on the mother.
Whether or not there is a father involved, the responsibility seems to default to the mother. And this belief isn’t limited to men, women hold it too. Instead of supporting parents who may already feel overwhelmed, professionals sometimes position them as the problem.
Why does this mindset persist?
Is it just old-school thinking from people who are stuck in their ways and don’t self-reflect or stay informed? Is it because it shifts responsibility away from themselves, so they don’t have to invest as much in that child when they believe the issue comes from a place outside of their control? I don’t know, but I do know that we still have a lot of work to do.
What Can We Do Instead?
Challenging another professional’s beliefs is difficult, especially when you want to maintain a healthy working relationship. Belief systems rarely change quickly, and they rarely change because of information delivered by someone the person doesn’t yet trust.
That said, there are ways to move the needle.
Practical Ways to Shift Professional Mindsets
- Always keep in mind that parents are doing the best they can
When we remember this we can better support and advocate for them.
- Build relationships first
As a business owner, I understand that in many ways we are “marketing” a new way of thinking. People need to know, like, and trust you before they are open to change. Respect builds credibility.
- Don’t confront—share
Statements that begin with “Well, I believe…” can come across as self-righteous and shut down conversation. Instead, lead with empathy or shared observations. For example: “I imagine the parents have their hands full.”
Also share science and strategies that work. Explaining concepts like executive functioning and cognitive flexibility can help reframe behaviors that are often misinterpreted as attention-seeking or “bad behavior,” when in reality they are tools to help a child get unstuck. (What I share in this blog has helped a lot!)
- Model what you want to see
Use the language you hope others will adopt. Show what works. Let your actions demonstrate a more supportive approach.
- Expect slow growth
Some professionals are willing to grow but need time. Others may never shift. In some cases, persistent lack of empathy may signal that the profession itself is no longer a good fit.
Supporting Parents Supports Children
Do parents get it right all the time? Of course not. Most parents are using the tools they were given. Many are actively seeking expert help because they know they need support.
As therapists and educators, we may need to support parents just as much as we support children. When we stop blaming families and start partnering with them, everyone benefits, especially the child. We can help make this mindset shift in our colleagues by sharing what we know, modeling what works, and helping them see all of the factors at play.
