Helping Children Build Social Connections

Did you know that connection with other humans is extremely important when addressing anxiety? The human brain is wired for social connection. (If you want the science-based explanation for this, check out our blog that describes the polyvagal theory.)

It’s true! Although some people have social anxiety (well, everyone does to a certain extent), connecting with other people is a powerful tool to help manage anxiety. Many of us already know about the importance of connecting as a therapeutic tool with children, both for us and for parents, but what about helping them develop friendships? 

We can help anxious children foster relationships with other children so they learn to have a healthy social network that reduces, rather than increases, their anxiety. 

Does this mean that introverts and shy people should start hanging around people more often? 

Not necessarily, but it does mean that life as a hermit is not typically a cure for anxiety, even for those of us who are introverts and may think this sounds like a great way to live.

Does this mean that we should encourage friendships for our clients? Well, yes, but don’t assume that a friendship for you is the same as a friendship for your client, or that they will be interested in things that the majority of children seem to be interested in.

In-person social connections may be very draining for somebody who has difficulty reading body language, facial expressions, and understanding other communication nuances, for instance. It may also be a sensory-overwhelming experience for them, particularly if the social connection is in a loud, public place or at a party with a lot of people. 

Feeling safe with someone is what makes the social connection beneficial. 

So if a person is in an environment where they don’t feel safe and relaxed due to the sensory input and confusing social expectations then it will be hard for them to connect socially. They may feel more anxiety instead of less and building a social connection will be difficult. 

So, how can we help foster safe peer connections for the children we work with?

• Explicitly teach children about their sensory needs to help them advocate for what they want and don’t want when they are with peers.
• Teach self-advocacy. Teach and encourage them how to communicate their needs and wants in a friendship (this is a life skill!). For example, if noise-sensitive Molly enjoys playing with Susie, but Susie shrieks when she gets excited, we can help Molly tell Susie that it is hard for her to be around that noise. Susie may not stop, but Molly will at least have the tools and language to communicate this in the future. 
• Participation in special-interest groups can reduce a lot of pressure to have to read confusing communication styles and subtleties, yet help foster social connections (for example, meeting up with other people who also love to play Pokemon or enjoy going to a cat cafe to play with kittens). 
• Parallel play activities. Doing something with someone that is the same but not exactly together can also reduce social pressures (for example, doing different art projects at the same table). 
• Social groups. Therapeutic groups in the community may be opportunities for people to meet in a supportive environment. However, not all social groups respect neurodiversity or foster feelings of safety, so it is important to explore the goals and strategies prior to participation.

When children have positive social connections they feel safer which can help reduce their anxiety. Professionals can help build those connections by giving children tools to navigate social interactions and by respecting that there are a variety of types of social engagement that may be beneficial to a child.