Get Comfortable with Discomfort

I’ve been a therapist for over 26 years now and over that time I have observed a shift in how adults respond to children who are having a difficult time. Some of the shifts are positive, such as acknowledging their emotions (versus telling a child to “stop crying” or “suck it up”). However, there has also been a trend toward avoiding anything that would cause a child discomfort. 

Discomfort is Normal

While it’s nice to see that adults are more mindful of the emotions of children, there are times that a child needs to sit with discomfort to learn how to handle it. Minor anxieties are a normal part of life. 

Learning to Be Okay With Being Uncomfortable

When I was a child I was painfully shy, so I’m not sure what possessed me to do this - I decided to participate in every sport and activity I could when I was in sixth grade. And I’m not kidding when I say I was shy: I would not even raise my hand to ask to use the bathroom. Even though I didn’t have experience with these activities I did them all. 

I joined the basketball team, the volleyball team, band, and chorus. I even signed up to do a special chorus number that I had hoped would be a duet, but ended up being a solo. (I completely bombed it, by the way, then had to do it two more times after my first bomb. I bombed it on the second one too! I finally got most of it right on my third performance.)  

Had I been sheltered from the feelings of discomfort, I would have never done those things. And even though I did not pursue most of those activities into seventh grade because I tried something else completely new, I learned a lot. I learned what I liked and what I didn’t (chorus, where there was the possibility of having to do a solo was out, for example). I learned that I could try anything even if I had never done it before. Most importantly, I learned that I can handle anything, even if it was new and uncomfortable.

The Discomfort of Adults

In all fairness to many of today’s parents, if you watch shows from the 90s and early 2000s it was very common to see characters having emotional experiences being sedated simply because they raised their voice. American society seems to promote the idea of always having a peaceful emotional existence. Many people grew up learning that they shouldn’t have to handle the discomfort that comes from seeing someone else be uncomfortable. 

So, sometimes the problem is with the adult observing the child’s discomfort and wanting to avoid it because of their own feelings, even if that is not in the best interest of the child.

When Should We Allow Discomfort in Children?

Ask: is it new, is there uncertainty, and should a child be expected to feel minor anxiety in this situation?  If yes, then this is a good opportunity to encourage the child to work through their uncomfortable feelings. 

For example, the first day of school can be nerve-racking because there’s so much that the children don’t know what to expect. This is a normal feeling for a lot of children.

What Can Adults Do to Support Children When There is Minor Anxiety?

In fact, people are so used to having discomfort prevented that they’ve even called a normal anxiety “impostor syndrome” when this happens for adults. What is a completely normal feeling of discomfort has become a “syndrome.” Pathologizing this normal feeling makes it harder for people to find their confidence when they have taken a risk. 

It can be a challenge at times to find a balance between helping children avoid discomfort and working through it. But, when minor anxieties are normalized, it is better for children. Ultimately they learn they can handle challenges despite their discomfort.