When a Lack of Flexibility Affects the Whole Family
How do you avoid the Taco Tuesday trap?
What is that? That is when a child with a cognitive flexibility difficulties has an expectation to have tacos for dinner every Tuesday. And if there is a deviation from that plan there will be a catastrophic meltdown. It becomes easier to just have tacos every Tuesday because it keeps the peace. What may have seemed like a fun family tradition initially became something from which they could no longer deviate. However, the child's lack of flexibility affects the whole family.
Parents are Walking on Eggshells
How can we support parents who feel like they have to walk on eggshells and make sure their pantry and fridge always have the right grocery supplies because of their child’s lack of flexibility? (Or the one brand and style of socks that their child will tolerate, or whatever rigidity interferes with their child’s ability to move on if things aren’t “just right”).
It is not an easy task to balance the distress their child may feel while trying to ensure their anxiety does not control the whole household. There is comfort in routines and familiarity, but it can be a disservice to a child when their lack of flexibility has this much control.
Change Your Perspective about Flexibility
When we can see that the anxiety is in control, and not the child, it can be easier to understand why this happens. The child wants what feels comfortable and safe because their anxiety is sky high. Lack of flexibility is a sign of anxiety. The unknown is scary, and even a seemingly small unknown, such as a different food, can be scary. This is especially true for children who may have food sensitivities and restrictions.
What Can We Do?
A few things.
Most of the time an overnight change will feel catastrophic to the child. Suddenly not having their safe food or safe clothing (or whatever) will likely result in a major meltdown. Parents may need support to find solutions. It can be easy to see things as “all or nothing”, that it’s either changing dinner to pizza or have a forever commitment to have tacos on Tuesday.
- Help them find ways to start small. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Change something about the meal. It may just be the plates, the order the tacos are assembled, having a different kind of cheese…something.For clothing, can they try wearing something new over or under the old shirt that they feel they need?
- Help them prepare the child for the changes. This can be a hard one because it requires planning on their part. They may need visual supports, such as a social narrative or visual schedule. We professionals can support them with this.
- Help them work on a "Plan B" with their child. Teaching the concept of a backup plan will help them when there are unexpected changes. See this blog for more information.
- Help them find something their child can control about the situation. Encourage them to give the child 2-3 choices they can make when starting to make small changes.
- Use the Flexibility Files to teach children flexibility. Use this workbook to teach children (and parents) strategies to be more flexible. It includes a story to explain why being flexible is important (available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble)
Learn to be Flexible
No one wants to see their child in distress, but habits and routines that revolve around keeping the distress at bay can reinforce rigidity that will keep the whole family from being flexible when they want a change.
